Does Fear Hold You Back?

Does Fear Hold You Back?

I often start yelling at the TV when a character in the movie is in a scary situation. He or she just stands there as I am shouting, “Run!” or “Hide!” For some reason, these characters can’t hear me and don’t move. Ha ha! Or are they portraying what often happens to people who are faced with fear?

 I will never forget the moment I was paralyzed with fear. I was in high school and it was around Halloween time. My older sisters had their friends over, but I didn’t know some of them were outside. I heard a knock at the glass door and as I reached for the handle, an old, scary face appeared. I froze. I could not scream or speak. I could not run. I started slowly walking backwards away from the door until I bumped into the wall behind me.

I just stood there. It took several moments for me to recover, and then run upstairs. When I realized it was a mask, of course, it was funny. Everyone was laughing but inwardly, I felt awful. I couldn’t understand why I could not talk or move. I was paralyzed with fear and I never want to feel that way again.

Fear is a gripping emotion. It is so powerful that it can completely consume your mind and body. You may not be able to eat, sleep, or think straight. You may perspire or feel your heart race. We feel out of control of our mind and body and sometimes it feels as though we are helpless.

Fear can also keep you from living a life you desire. We may be afraid to try new things, or go on a date, or apply for a new job. We may fear the world as it changes so quickly. Fear can keep us stuck doing what is comfortable.

So how do we remove ourselves from the grip of fear?

What are you scared to do?

First, we have to know what we fear, and why. This takes some reflection and patience to uncover what is at the root of our fear. I like to start this process with my journal. I make a list of all the things I would do in an ideal life situation and compare that list to what I am actually doing. What are the things I want to be doing? Why am I not doing them?

You might be surprised at your results. Some of these items may be big, but others could be as small as going for a walk alone. (And yes, I was afraid to go on a walk alone.)

Assess your fears.

Go through your list of fears. Next to each one, write about why you might have this fear. If it is a fear of public speaking, for example, it might be that you are afraid someone might ask a question afterwards and you won’t have the answer. Or it might be that you are afraid your presentation will be boring. My fear of going on a walk alone, came from my anxious mother who instilled fear in me about being safe.

Write about all the possible reasons why you may have each fear. No one will read your journal so really explore the root of your fears. If you have no explanation, that’s okay too. Just write that down.

Take a step.

I took my list of fears and decided I wanted to live better. I didn’t want these things to hold me back any longer. I picked three items from my list that I thought I could overcome. One of them was go on a walk alone. Another was to go to a movie alone. Another was to ride the public transportation to the city.

Next, I chose a date on my calendar to do each of these things. I had to really get in the right frame of mind. I was scared. I felt the tension in my body. I got ready and just had to walk out the door. As soon as I did, I won! I was no longer afraid to walk alone. When I reached the corner, I had a huge smile on my face. This was enjoyable and I could be alone with my thoughts. Now, I love walking … alone or with someone.

Enlist support.

When a fear has a strong grip on you, you might need support. Call a friend. Let them be there to encourage and cheer you on. I would tell my friends that I am making myself do (blank) this week. It held me accountable to follow through. Plus, when I overcame each fear, I had someone to celebrate with me!

Expect growth.

I grew so much as a person during this process. I am now excited to learn new things. I like to challenge myself whenever possible. I push myself more than ever before. I try not to limit myself. If I can do this, I know YOU can!

Oh, fear still tries to creep back in on occasion, but I am no longer paralyzed by it. I try to recognize it for what it is – something that is holding me back. Instead of letting fear overtake me, I face it head on and win!


Featured photo by Sebastien Goldberg on Unsplash.

From Here to There: Goals for 2021

From Here to There: Goals for 2021

When a new year starts, many of us see this as an opportunity to start fresh. We have grand plans to change something significant in our lives and vow that THIS year, I will finally . . . (fill in the blank). Soon after January begins, we have forgotten what we were so determined to do and we fall into our usual behaviors. Why does this happen?

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Without careful planning, it is very difficult to make changes to our lifestyle. It isn’t difficult to do, but many of us forget to do this important step.

Research: When setting a new goal, the first step is to do some research. Look up some tips, tricks, hacks or articles that can give you some advice about the best way to reach your goal.

For example, if I wanted to quit smoking, or learn how to organize my closet, or buy a new puppy, the first thing I would do is research and educate myself on the best way to accomplish it. You may find some invaluable insights that will help make this journey easier or quicker. You may also prevent yourself from wasting time by trying things that don’t work. Take notes on what you discover about your goal.

Plan: Now that you have done some research, you are ready to make a plan. Decide what works for you. Write out your plan so you have a guideline to follow.

For example, let’s use the quit smoking goal. You have researched many options and you decide to see a doctor, get a patch, and allow yourself one year to reach your goals. That’s your plan. Let’s say you want to buy a new puppy. After your research, you decide on what breed is best for you, made a list of supplies you need, and choose a training schedule to follow. That’s your plan.

Step-by-Step: Once you have a plan, break it into tiny, achievable steps. How do you climb a mountain? One step at a time.

Continuing with the quit smoking goal, your first step might be to set an appointment with your doctor. Your second step could be to make a list of questions to discuss at that appointment. Another step could include throwing away all your cigarettes. And so on.

One Day at a Time: Just like we must take one step at a time, we also must take one day at a time. When we are working towards a challenging goal, it may become discouraging when it is so difficult. At those moments, just remind yourself that you just need to focus on that one day. Tomorrow, do the same.

For example, quitting a habit that perhaps has been part of your life for years, isn’t going down without a fight! You may slip up and that’s okay. Just get back on your plan and start again. Often when people are dieting to lose weight, myself included, we slip up and eat that chocolate cake! At that point it is easy to throw up your hands and give up. But don’t. Just start again.

Accountability: Try to find a partner that will either go on the journey with you or at least support you on yours. You are still, first and foremost, accountable to yourself but it is nice to have someone cheering for you along the way.

Be careful though when two of you are trying to stop smoking or trying to lose weight. If one of you falls off the plan, it may take the other off the plan as well. So think ahead and decide what you will do if your partner chooses to keep smoking or stop dieting.

Reward Yourself: Create a list of rewards for each accomplishment you achieve along the way to your goal. It is important to celebrate yourself and your hard work. These rewards need to be enticing enough to make you want to earn them.

Here are some examples of rewards: eating at your favorite restaurant, buy that new item, take a bubble bath, visit a friend, buy a new item of clothing, indulge in a favorite dessert, etc. Of course, rewards should not sabotage your goal, such as eating chocolate as a reward for losing 2 more pounds or buying a new lighter if you are stopping smoking.

Have Determination: Winners never quit, and quitters never win. If you quit, you will not reach your goal. It is that simple. Even if you mess up a little or don’t stick to your plan perfectly, start again. Start as many times as you must as long as you don’t give up! You will get there if you keep trying.

One thing that might help is to create a reason for your goal. Often people lose weight before going on a cruise in the summer. It isn’t the best for keeping the extra weight off unless you make some real lifestyle changes, however, it can help you to be motivated in the beginning.

You don’t have to wait for next January to make changes in your life or reach your dreams. You can set and reach goals throughout the year, each month, each week, or each day. Keep your life moving forward by following these steps each time you want to set a new goal. You are worth the effort to attain all your goals in life!


Featured photo by Dawid Zawila on Unsplash.

I’m in Control

I’m in Control

My fingers were crossed, awaiting the stroke of midnight. For some reason, I hoped that the start of the new year would magically turn around the issues of 2020. But no surprise there! January 1st only brought a new day, not a new perspective, and not the end of a pandemic.

The pandemic isn’t just affecting people’s physical health. It is permeating all aspects of life: financial, emotional, spiritual, social, occupational and intellectual. People’s opinions are raving, and tensions are high. Watching the news is really depressing right now. I am overwhelmed because it feels like my world has become so hostile.

I found myself reacting to grocery carts being pushed in front of me, and cars honking because the light turned green a fraction of a second before I hit the gas. I become impatient when at the store because I feel the urgent need to get back home. The stay-at-home order sounds peaceful compared to dealing with all that.

When I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, I like to make a two-column list of “things I can control” and “things I cannot control.” So, here is what I learned from making my lists.

Things I Cannot Control

  • I cannot control if I get the virus.
  • I cannot control how my body will react to the virus.
  • I cannot control how other people choose to act during this pandemic or otherwise.
  • I cannot control if other people wear their mask and are careful concerning the spread of the virus.
  • I cannot control if stores and/or services are open or closed.
  • I cannot control if people want to see me or not see me.
  • I cannot control if other people allow me to have my own opinion.

Even though this list seems obvious, it felt really good to write it down. Once we have identified what we cannot control, it is essential to identify what is in our power to control. This allows me to see how much I am in control of myself and my personal space.

Things I Can Control

  • I can control how I am eating and taking care of myself. Am I exercising, taking vitamins, eating my veggies?
  • I can control how I will respond and act towards others. Just because someone is rude to me, doesn’t mean I have to be rude in return. I can spread kindness instead.
  • I can forgive others for their behavior. I gave everyone a “pass” during this pandemic. At the beginning, my anxiety was high, and I know I am not proud for stocking up on toilet paper or lashing out during a heated conversation or being impatient. I needed a pass and I am giving out “Get Out of Jail Free” cards too.
  • I control whether or not I want to wear my mask. I wear my mask most of the time. I choose not to travel. I stay at home. I am not upset if other people do these things because we all need to handle the pandemic the best way we can.
  • I control how much I want to socialize. The hardest part for me is not seeing my family. Some are strictly staying at home, and others are going out occasionally. Even though it is hard not to see my family, I can only control what I do.

Making these lists helped me to understand that each person has to do what is right for them and I have no control over what that is for someone else. I like just being concerned for what I choose to do. It helps me to be compassionate and understanding when someone else makes a choice that I disagree with.

Hopefully during this new year, we will see the end of the pandemic. But even if this continues for a while longer, remember that each of us gets to choose for ourselves how we will respond and react to each other and the situations we face. Turn the focus on ourselves and not pointing fingers at other people. We each control ourselves!

Featured photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash.

Getting Out of a Slump

Getting Out of a Slump

During these past few months, I have been in such a slump. It is one of the reasons I haven’t written a blog post in awhile. I know I am not alone. The more people I reach out to, the more I realize how many are feeling this same way.

I wanted to share the steps that I have taken to get myself living well again. Hopefully, you will find something to help you if you are searching for something to pull you out of your own slump.

Make a before & after list.

I didn’t see how much I was resisting to the changes happening around me until I made a list of “life before and life after Covid.” This process helped me to see on paper how drastically my life had changed and how many really good habits I stopped doing since March. I could see exactly what I needed to adjust to get my life back on track.

Adjust one habit at a time.

Many of us have traded the habit of going to the gym with sitting on the couch and snacking. Hence, we have added the Covid 19 to our waistline. So look at your list and pick one change you can make right now to improve your life. For me, I decided to exercise every morning (and stop snacking). After about two weeks, I was still snacking (but not as much) and I added the exercise. I was already feeling better and then an added bonus, my gym reopened. So today, I had a really good workout.

Create a strong morning routine.

I am a firm believer that the way you start your morning, sets you up to have either a really good day or a not-so-good day. Choose just a couple things to do each morning to insure you have a great day. One of my morning habits is meditating. It takes me only 10-15 minutes, but what an impact this small amount of time has on my day. You may have other things you enjoy in the morning such as journaling, walking, or reading. Whatever helps you start your day should become part of your morning routine.

It’s simple actually. There is no secret formula to make life better and I haven’t shared anything new or anything that you probably didn’t know already. It is just making the decision to want to change your life, get out of a slump, and care enough about yourself to do the work.

No more slumping! You got this! Make your life better!

If you have any tips to share that have helped you, please share them. We learn from each other!

Featured photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash.